God, I owe to you..

Not a single time have i liked it when ppl told me that there was something about me that attracted the world towards me. Not a single time have i not felt assaulted when someone told me that i had a beautiful smile. I wondered.. So do they like me because i have this good smile? Do they like me cause they, without a reason got attracted to me? They cudnt help themselves, they cudnt think for themselves when they saw me? I wanted my persona to be regarded. THAT to matter to even be remembered for a moment.
now it was on me to become deserving of all this. It was on me to mould myself to be liked the way i perceived "ideal", "apt" for me.
I was in no way willing to compromise in this aspect. So sure of what i wanted, i must have called out to God and almost ordered to him that this this this is how i want things to be.
Poor chap, he listened to me.. Like i left him a choice..
He thought, "Alright, I ll get her to fend for herself."
Rightly he put me through a LOT of hardship..
He understood tht i d feel undeserving of anything if i couldn't feel for it.. if my heart couldnt beat for it. Basically he realized tht i wudnt value anything if i hadnt slogged for it, perspired for it..
He finally made me this nice, sweet, understanding and most of all "deserving" person so that i breathed easy, "approved" of the life he had given me.
I might be making his job sound easy.. but no!.. he really had a tough time..I was so not acceptable also as a person.. Ill tempered, selfish, egoistic (Just 3 to state! believe me.. DEADLY combination and thr r many more.. no time thts all :))
Now that i had got what i wanted, now that God had made me what i wanted to be, he shd have got to breathe easy.Poor chap had gone all out to give it to me JUST cos i had happened to ask for it. But Lo! more was in store for him..
I had had it now.. Becoming a nice person wasnt easy and i wanted my efforts to reap results. I had been watching, Scheming to make the max out of the goodness i had amassed, procured and had access to.
I determined to be in business for a long time.. thought to myself that i would give to ppl, but, set expectations..
I did a self evaluation of myself and certified myself "nice", "adorable" and what not. Based on the evaluation I fixed the returns for every quality of mine one would get to savor.
I thought of myself as one touched by God. One with powers to destroy those who dint abide by my rules.
Once things had been served, my clients would be faced with an invoice. They had to pay up. Else I would arrive at the punishment, compensation. In all noncompliance meant i take control of their fate.
God was still watching.. He knew tht he still ruled. He was to continue to be all Supreme. He hadn't yet completed his job.. I hadnt yet reached tht mark. The process had just begun.. and i already had proven underserving. attempted at failing him. he fought me.. he wasnt to let me fail myself no matter how many times i had failed to acknowledge his existence, questioned his authority.
He brought me back on track. Reminded me of my purpose. made me mindful of the fact that the pains i had taken had actually borne fruit. God as ever had been magnanimous. He had rewarded me for just the conception, initiative, implementation(though not complete). He had been graceful
He had blessed me with memories of selfless Granny to whom i had meant a reward, Parents who breathed for me, a brother who was protective of me. A galore of friends who thought it was their duty to protect my interests. Associates who would cry with the very thought of me being gone. Mentors who would speak for me. Colleagues who would consider it a pleasure if i relied on them.Least of all, my servant who wud guard my sleep in the mornings. Reassuring me that he would be thr for me till i breathed last.
I write all this today cos i realise that i have not yet be sculpted and have shown disregard for life.
I promise to pay back! I am sorry to all those who love me.. you ll take me back with open arms right? :)